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She didn’t need to be stronger than him, though. Just stronger than the little bones in his wrist and elbow.

— Abaddon's Gate by James S. A. Corey

Decide How to Decide • Command. Decisions are made without involving others. • Consult. Input is gathered from the group and then a subset decides. • Vote. An agreed-upon percentage swings the decision. • Consensus. Everyone comes to an agreement and then supports the final decision. Finish Clearly Determine who does what by when. Make the deliverables crystal clear. Set a follow-up time. Record the commitments and then follow up. Finally, hold people accountable to their promises.

— Crucial Conversations Tools for Talking When Stakes Are High, Second Edition by Kerry Patterson, Joseph Grenny, Ron McMillan, and 1 other

Ask. Start by simply expressing interest in the other person’s views. • Mirror. Increase safety by respectfully acknowledging the emotions people appear to be feeling. • Paraphrase. As others begin to share part of their story, restate what you’ve heard to show not just that you understand, but also that it’s safe for them to share what they’re thinking. • Prime. If others continue to hold back, prime. Take your best guess at what they may be thinking and feeling. As you begin to share your views, remember: • Agree. Agree when you share views. • Build. If others leave something out, agree where you share views, then build. • Compare. When you do differ significantly, don’t suggest others are wrong. Compare your two views.

— Crucial Conversations Tools for Talking When Stakes Are High, Second Edition by Kerry Patterson, Joseph Grenny, Ron McMillan, and 1 other

Share your facts. Start with the least controversial, most persuasive elements from your Path to Action. • Tell your story. Explain what you’re beginning to conclude. • Ask for others’ paths. Encourage others to share both their facts and their stories. • Talk tentatively. State your story as a story—don’t disguise it as a fact. • Encourage testing. Make it safe for others to express differing or even opposing views.

— Crucial Conversations Tools for Talking When Stakes Are High, Second Edition by Kerry Patterson, Joseph Grenny, Ron McMillan, and 1 other

The more you care about an issue, the less likely you are to be on your best behavior.

— Crucial Conversations Tools for Talking When Stakes Are High, Second Edition by Kerry Patterson, Joseph Grenny, Ron McMillan, and 1 other

Retrace Your Path Notice your behavior. If you find yourself moving away from dialogue, ask yourself what you’re really doing. • Am I in some form of silence or violence? Get in touch with your feelings. Learn to accurately identify the emotions behind your story. • What emotions are encouraging me to act this way? Analyze your stories. Question your conclusions and look for other possible explanations behind your story. • What story is creating these emotions? Get back to the facts. Abandon your absolute certainty by distinguishing between hard facts and your invented story. • What evidence do I have to support this story? Watch for clever stories. Victim, Villain, and Helpless Stories sit at the top of the list. Tell the Rest of the Story Ask: • Am I pretending not to notice my role in the problem? • Why would a reasonable, rational, and decent person do this? • What do I really want? • What would I do right now if I really wanted these results?

— Crucial Conversations Tools for Talking When Stakes Are High, Second Edition by Kerry Patterson, Joseph Grenny, Ron McMillan, and 1 other

Instead of saying, “Are you upset with me? What did I do?” I now say, “I’m beginning to feel that you are upset with me. Did I do something to make you angry?”

— Crucial Conversations Tools for Talking When Stakes Are High, Second Edition by Kerry Patterson, Joseph Grenny, Ron McMillan, and 1 other

What do I really want? For me? For others? For the relationship?

— Crucial Conversations Tools for Talking When Stakes Are High, Second Edition by Kerry Patterson, Joseph Grenny, Ron McMillan, and 1 other

Question your feelings and stories. Once you’ve identified what you’re feeling, you have to stop and ask, given the circumstances, is it the right feeling? Meaning, of course, are you telling the right story? After all, feelings come from stories, and stories are our own invention.

— Crucial Conversations Tools for Talking When Stakes Are High, Second Edition by Kerry Patterson, Joseph Grenny, Ron McMillan, and 1 other

We observe, we tell a story, and then we feel. Although this addition complicates the model a bit, it also gives us hope. Since we and only we are telling the story, we can take back control of our own emotions by telling a different story. We now have a point of leverage or control. If we can find a way to control the stories we tell, by rethinking or retelling them, we can master our emotions

— Crucial Conversations Tools for Talking When Stakes Are High, Second Edition by Kerry Patterson, Joseph Grenny, Ron McMillan, and 1 other

Step Out When others move to silence or violence, step out of the conversation and Make It Safe. When safety is restored, go back to the issue at hand and continue the dialogue. Decide Which Condition of Safety Is at Risk • Mutual Purpose. Do others believe you care about their goals in this conversation? Do they trust your motives? • Mutual Respect. Do others believe you respect them? Apologize When Appropriate • When you’ve clearly violated respect, apologize. Contrast to Fix Misunderstanding • When others misunderstand either your purpose or your intent, use Contrasting. Start with what you don’t intend or mean. Then explain what you do intend or mean. Create a Mutual Purpose • When you are at cross-purposes, use four skills to get back to Mutual Purpose: • Commit to seek Mutual Purpose. • Recognize the purpose behind the strategy. • Invent a Mutual Purpose. • Brainstorm new strategies.

— Crucial Conversations Tools for Talking When Stakes Are High, Second Edition by Kerry Patterson, Joseph Grenny, Ron McMillan, and 1 other

So next time you find yourself stuck in a battle of wills, try this amazingly powerful but simple skill. Step out of the content of the struggle and make it safe. Simply say, “It seems like we’re both trying to force our view on each other. I commit to stay in this discussion until we have a solution that satisfies both of us.” Then watch whether safety takes a turn for the better.

— Crucial Conversations Tools for Talking When Stakes Are High, Second Edition by Kerry Patterson, Joseph Grenny, Ron McMillan, and 1 other

feelings of disrespect often come when we dwell on how others are different from ourselves. We can counteract these feelings by looking for ways we are similar.

— Crucial Conversations Tools for Talking When Stakes Are High, Second Edition by Kerry Patterson, Joseph Grenny, Ron McMillan, and 1 other